Is It Really the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?
Normalizing ambivalence around the holidays, plus a collection of delights for November
You know that Alvin & The Chipmunks song, All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth?
It’s kind of cute I guess. Or annoying, depending on your taste in music.1
Well, this year, I’ve decided to write my own version and it goes like this: All I Want for Christmas Is For Ambivalent Feelings Around the Holidays To Be Normalized and Accepted.
It flows nicely, don’t you think? Best Holiday Songs 2023, here I come!
In all seriousness, many of the Christmas songs we sing romanticize the holiday season and over-promise what we can expect. (Is it really the most wonderful time of the year? That was kind of an impossibly high bar, Andy Williams, but your heart was probably in the right place). Much of our pop holiday culture encourages us to look forward to some kind of loving, warm, cheerful family get-together as the pinnacle of our entire Christmas—our entire year—despite the fact that our feelings around such gatherings are often much more nuanced.2
Our family realities are often more complicated than much of what holiday pop culture sells us. The truth is, each of us longs to sit around a table of compassionate, empathetic witnesses, whether we’re 13 or 30. This is not a luxury or some peripheral desire, but the very essence of what it is to be human.
So many of us return, over the holidays, to the places and the people that stir up that innate longing inside of us again, even if we know better by now than to expect a different outcome from those around the table.
So how do we do it?
How do we accept our families for who they are?
How do we take the love and the pain and hold them in the same hand?
How do we show up as whole people who are also boundaried and secure?
(I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, really. Actually, a therapist once told me that a lot of women find that they end up working through many of these questions in their thirties. I turn thirty next year, so SIGN ME UP).
What I do know for sure: This is why Jesus came. He came to be with us, to know us intimately, to love us fiercely, to fight for us, to walk alongside us in our brokenness and grief, and to be the ultimate healer for our hearts.
Stephanie Duncan Smith says it like this:
This is the story of Love and the beloved, and in between, every mirror neuron in the world.
May we hold onto this story this December, and into the new year. And may we hold extra tightly to those who continue to show up for us in the ways we deeply need.
And with that, I give you something I’ve never ever written before, as a matter of personal principle. It is, indeed, a listicle (*GASP*). Nobody panic—this is kind of a one-time thing.
Feel free to skip if your family holidays are full of joy, peace, laughter, happiness, and a deep sense of feeling known.
(Please note that I have absolutely none of these ten things figured out. None of them. Please also note that most of these ideas are gleaned from my own therapy over the years and/or Nedra Tawwab’s resources.)
10 Ways to Protect Your Peace at Family Holidays
Think through what boundaries you will set and how you will set them. Find someone to hold you accountable: your spouse, a close friend, a therapist, etc.
Set realistic expectations. Repeat after me: “I will expect people to be who they have always been. I will expect people to act in ways they have always acted.” Then, when the inevitable actually happens, you won’t get stuck on the Crazy-Making Train™.
Think about things that are on the table to discuss. Happy memories, inside jokes, work, vacations, and the weather tend to be “safe” topics.
Try to notice what unhealthy role you’ve played in your family in the past. All of us have one. Be aware of moments when you’re tempted to get sucked back into that role and practice resisting.3
Sit back in your chair and observe. Think more watching a reality TV show and less signing up to be a contestant.
Take breaks to ground yourself. Step away to “go to the bathroom”. Step outside for some fresh air. Go to the kitchen for a glass of water.4
Find something that keeps you in your body and spend time doing those things rather than ruminating or engaging in triggering discussions. (Here are my personal faves: completing the newspaper Word Jumble, playing piano, swinging next to my kids at the playground, sledding or playing in the snow, getting on the floor and playing with the littles, etc.)
Care for yourself before and after the holiday. Be extra tender with yourself. Reach out to your friends/spouse/other family members to be there for you in the ways you need. (Do not replay the things you said or did not say or things others said or did not say in your head while you shower. Just do not).
Give your husband the stink eye when he starts to accidentally move the conversation towards politics at the dinner table. (Wait, oops, how did this one make it on the list…..)
Don’t leave any hurt feelings to fester. Bring them up quickly after the event and own and apologize for the ways you contributed.
life with littles
A snapshot of what the girls and I are doing together in our day-to-day:
This month, we learned about turkeys, autumn leaves, Native Americans, and the first Thanksgiving. We filled our days with more fall walks by the Creek, play dates, raking up leaves, and hiking at the nature center.
Kinder skills we’re nailing down before Christmas: new digraphs and common word endings, place value, symmetry, early piano skills, the Ice Age and the earliest Native Americans, and the geography of the East Coast.5
The girls are currently obsessed with cutting and gluing and taping and coloring scraps of paper and making them into “creations” (crowns! wands! puppets! bracelets!). Also, H loves Art for Kids Hub on YouTube. I love seeing their creativity.
I also got them this fairy set to play with in the backyard, and it’s been a huge hit.
We finished up The Mouse and the Motorcycle this month and started the Little House on the Prairie series.
A few November snapshots:
beautiful words
In no particular order, here are some words I read this month that resonated with me:
-Lindsey DeLoach Jones writes about revision as “seeing again”, the spiritual journey of writing a story, the illusion of mastery, and the idea of making things “a little truer every time.”
-I loved Lauren Markham’s piece on homeschooling for The Believer. I do not relish pieces that paint homeschooling as “the only way” or “the best way”, because I sincerely do not believe those statements are true. Every day I’m reminded that educational choice is a privilege and that every choice has significant advantages and drawbacks. I appreciate the way Markham grapples with the hard questions and doesn’t unnecessarily boil this decision down to a neat and tidy conclusion.
-In the same vein, Sarah Menkedick posted this vulnerable piece on her family’s choice to begin homeschooling.
-Ashlee Gadd writes about “staying in the room” with her daughter and the importance of “making banana bread, and forgetting the rest.” Beautiful.
-Faith Dwight’s piece, “What’s the Opposite of a Fundamentalist?” got me good. This is what we all need to be talking about right now, IMO. I’ll be coming back to this one.
-Annelise Roberts writes, among other things, about her apprehension to read quoted scripture and where that might be stemming from. I felt deeply seen. (Check out #8).
books / podcasts / shows
A list of things playing in my ears, sitting on my nightstand, or streaming on my tv:
-Joe and I have been slowly making our way through the new TV show Lessons in Chemistry and here’s my unpopular opinion: I love it wayyyy more than the book. I actually couldn’t even finish the entire book (what is up with the dog, you guys?!), but the show makes up for it IMO. Also, Squid Game: The Challenge is just…bonkers.
-I’ve needed some happy, sappy, dumb, make-me-forget-my-problems-for-90-minutes movies. They include: 13 Going on 30, New in Town, and About Time.
-I read Good Morning Monster, which was truly inspiring. I love a good therapy book. I also read Drama Free by Nedra Tawwab and was worried it might be a little “pop-psychology-fluffy” but I actually loved it. I found it very clarifying and concrete. I’m also working through Pádraig Ó. Tuama’s poetry anthology, which is named after his popular poetry podcast, Poetry Unbound. His thoughtful commentary after each poem is both in-depth and eye-opening.
-I just finished listening to Counting the Cost (Spotify has audiobooks now?!?!) and have sooo many thoughts about this kind of abusive, coercive type of “faith” and the bravery Jill had and has to forge her own path. Will likely share more later.
feeding the fam
Here’s a rundown of some of the family favorites that showed up on our table this month:
-I purchased this cookbook this month, at Ashlee Gadd’s recommendation (why am I shocked at 4 PM every day that the children need to eat…AGAIN?), and I’m so excited to find some new, solid dinner recipes.
-This pumpkin bread recipe, but add chocolate chips. *Chef’s kiss*
-This creamy red lentil soup paired with Trader Joe’s frozen naan hits the spot on a cold, fall day. I don’t like eating meat every day so this is a great vegetarian option.
-One pot creamy pesto chicken pasta is a fast dinner with minimal steps and less dishes to wash. Win!
the little things
A list of some little things I’ve been loving:
-I don’t know how the rest of the world’s mothers keep their mom buns from falling out, but this is how I do it. 10/10 recommend.
-Our local Aldi had this popcorn in stock for a bit and I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to track down more. It was SO GOOD.
-I’m not sure how many of you are part Swedish or grew up celebrating St. Lucia’s Day, but it was one of my favorite holiday traditions when I was little. These handmade St. Lucia crowns are the sweetest! I got one for Haddie last year and one for Isla this year so both girls can dress up.
-This heater pack heated up in the microwave multiple times a day. With this tea.
-Hearth & Hand has some seriously cute wrapping paper this year, guys.
words I’ve written
Here are some of my own words put to paper this month:
-Part-Time Poets has its eighth issue coming out tomorrow! You can find it here.
-Other than a little journaling here and there, I’ve been putting my pencil down and resting and caring for my family more this month. The writing will come when it comes. As one of my favorite writers says:
“Be gentle with yourself. The writing isn’t going to leave you.”
-Maggie Smith
I have done a little printmaking, though. (What?! I know.) I’ll share it with you soon.
Thanks for reading, friends. Here’s to caring for yourself this holiday season, and staying near to the ones who know and love you deeply.
You can have a happy / sad / grieving / warm / disappointed / joyful / lonely / cozy / peaceful holiday. And it’s all allowed.
xo
Krista
Oh look, it’s me calling for more nuance, again.
This feels a little bit like trying to steer a heavy truck out of well-worn tire tracks in the mud. Might I, again, suggest therapy. Also: Nedra Tawwab also has some excellent resources on healing from dysfunctional family systems and learning to confidently set boundaries. Aundi Kolber’s is also doing beautiful work in this area.
We Can Do Hard Things has a great episode about managing difficult family holidays. I believe this is the episode where Glennon says she goes outside at least once every family holiday to just feel the cold air and breathe. Which is, let’s be honest, genius.
I do like Beautiful Feet books; it can be hard to find a good learning-through-literature curriculum that has things all laid out for you nicely. That being said, I do not feel comfortable using only the books included in this curriculum. Some of the books tend to paint historical figures as one-dimensional, and some of the books are a bit too Eurocentric, which I find problematic. While it does open up a lot of opportunities for honest discussion about bias and racism, resources like this one have been helpful for us in diversifying our bookshelves.
I am 1000 percent in the ambivalent holiday club. I wish I had answers, but I’m muddling through. It’s a really hard tension to hold my children’s delight and excitement and my desire to make things memorable for them alongside my equal desire to skip the whole thing. And usually it shows up in my body and I end up flat out sick at least once in December (like today) 🤦♀️
P.S. If you’re looking for more diverse book selections for homeschooling you’ve got to check out Heritage Mom — Amber Johnston O’Neal. Her book, “A Place to Belong” was very challenging but a good read.
I loved the listicle💕 so helpful for someone who is just learning about self regulation