My Six-Year-Old Is Better At Taking Up Space Than Me

Taking notes from my oldest daughter on how to show up, plus a collection of delights for October

PC Heidi Drechsel

My six-year-old has this thing now where she walks up to people’s houses in the neighborhood, rings the doorbell, politely speaks to whichever adult answers the door, and invites the children to our backyard to play.

Let’s be very clear: I would have rather died, as a kid, than do this.

At one point, I was so shy, my parents apparently became concerned for my social life and made me introduce myself to just one person in my Sunday School class—one person. Any person. All I had to say was: “Hi, my name is Krista. What’s your name?” That’s it.

Let me tell you: It. Was. Agonizing.

All that to say, my oldest daughter is incredibly brave and has zero qualms about taking up space and continuing to put herself out there. (Specifically, every afternoon at 3:00 PM when school lets out.)

In his book How to Know a Person, David Brooks writes how, as a society, we have largely lost the ability to socialize easily. Subways are quieter than they used to be. We tend to keep to ourselves. Our trust levels in the goodness of others, as a whole, have gone down.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately—how it is easy for me to move through my days with a goal-oriented, productivity-based agenda instead of lingering with someone.

How I’m still re-learning the childhood art of being confident in my skin, of showing up in a way that is capacious and loud, of saying HERE I AM, of metaphorically (or literally!) walking down the sidewalk and ringing someone’s doorbell.

How I worry I’ll say something stupid when I try to strike up a conversation with the Trader Joe’s cashier or the man walking his dog or the woman on the yoga mat next to me or the mom at the library, so I sometimes choose to say nothing.

To be honest, sometimes I do say something stupid.

(Cut to me making small talk with my barre instructor about which antacids are the most effective).

But maybe—risk, embarrassment and bruised ego aside—the payoff is helping someone else feel seen. Maybe it’s get to be someone’s mirror for a brief moment. Maybe it’s fostering a friendship I didn’t think twice about before.

David Brooks calls people who consistently embody this kind of attention, Illuminators—people who are persistently curious about others and shine the spotlight of their attention on them in order to understand.

Here’s what he says about illuminating others:

“Being an Illuminator, seeing other people in all their fullness, doesn’t just happen. It’s a craft, a set of skills, a way of life. Other cultures have words for this way of being. The Koreans call it nunchi, the ability to be sensitive to other people’s moods and thoughts. The Germans (of course) have a word for it: herzensbildung, training one’s heart to see the full humanity in another.”

As a very individualist, empirically-focused society, we tend to leave unnamed the things that can’t be quantified or qualified. It’s probably why we often latch onto words from other languages, like hygge or fernweh—to help fill in the inevitable gaps.

But I love how Brooks takes the leap, here, and fills in the gap with his own word—Illuminator.

To be honest, there are still so many days when I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

But I think Illuminator is probably a pretty good goal for starters.

And my kiddo is teaching me—one door at a time.

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October Delights:

Currently reading:

How To Know a Person by David Brooks—Whew, this is truly one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read all year. I know it sounds very self-helpy but it doesn’t read that way at all. It’s heartfelt and rich and compassionate. I’ll be returning to this one over and over again.

Even After Everything by

Stephanie Duncan Smith

—A gorgeous memoir on love and loss and how our deepest longings, hurts, and joys can mesh with the liturgical calendar. I did not grow up in a liturgical tradition and this book is a breath of fresh air. It’s helping me understand how Jesus shows up in my day to day in a new and startling way.

The Magic Words by Joseph Fasano—Where are my fellow poetry writers?! This book is inspiring and fun and unlike any other poetry craft book I’ve previously read. It includes fill-in-the-blank poems as prompts and sample poems. Loving it.

A few things I’ve been loving lately:

I caved and bought this top for barre classes. It makes me feel very cool and very athletic, even though I am still definitely a newbie.

I do love a good pair of Joy Lab sweatpants.

You know what’s better than disposable eye masks? These reusable eye mask patches. You can pair them with anything—a caffeine serum, a hydrating eye cream, whatever—and it will seal it in while you finish getting ready. Wash, rinse, repeat. (I keep mine in the fridge, like a weirdo).

A few things the kids have been loving lately:

I caved and bought the Rainbow Loom for my six-year-old. Our home is just a bracelet-making factory now.

My big kiddo goes to an outdoor nature co-op once a week, and it’s (finally) getting chilly here in Minnesota! I bought this cute thermos to pack her warm lunches like macaroni and cheese or chicken noodle soup. (Fill the thermos with boiling water while you make the lunch to keep the food extra hot!)

Receipt paper. Trust me.

A few good eats:

Easy Chicken Fajita Bowls—something my children will (usually) eat! Hooray!

Pumpkin Pancakes with Apple Compote—the kids were elated. (Be sure to grind your oats for at least 1-2 minutes in the food processor to get a fine flour).

Autumn Grain Bowls—Everything we eat now is some sort of bowl, and I’m not sad about it.

The best Instagram recipe I’ve ever tasted. YUM.

Watching + listening:

Shrinking Season 2: I love this show. It’s hilarious and heartwarming and I don’t have to think too hard. It’s everything I want in a TV series.

Lincoln Lawyer Season 2: There is a long line of women in my family who like detective shows and I have inherited this trait, I guess. Mickey Haller 4ever!!!

This episode of That Sounds Fun was a delightful conversation my friend

Amy Grass

shared last month. It’s a conversation between Annie F. Downs, Jonathan Merritt and his father Dr. James Merritt on unconditional love and how to love across differing beliefs and perspectives.

The Daily, helping us all make sense of what the heck is happening in the world, and specifically in this episode—the modern parenting crisis.

Some good writing:

Mockingbird published this interview with Sarah Westfall on her new book “The Way of Belonging”. I found it incredibly encouraging and refreshing.

This beautiful piece on ephemerals by Judith Claire Mitchell for the New England Review took my breath away.

Scott Erickson with a good word (and a beautiful print) on keeping our fire alive.

Freya India

’s think piece on the age of abandonment blew my mind. I’ll be thinking about this one for awhile.

ICYMI:

This month, I wrote about friendship, circles and acceptance, as well as shame and the generational fears we carry with us. (AKA two things I’m learning about, big time, this year—join me!)

Plus, a new edition of Part-Time Poets comes out tomorrow!

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That’s it, friends!

I’d love to hear your stories—would you share about a time in your life when a child taught you something important or surprising?

Here’s to showing up and knocking on doors.

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